The warm sun shone through the nursery window as I rocked my 5 day old in a plush aqua colored glider. I had rocked in that chair for weeks before my son arrived hoping he might become accustomed to the feel of it. I thought that maybe if he got used the gliding motion while he was in my belly, he might fall asleep easier when he was in my arms. Oh the ways that I had prepared for that sweet boy.
Stillness filled the house. The only sounds that could be heard were the whispered drips of melting ice outside of the nursery window.
A massive Christmas Eve snow storm a week earlier had brought feet of snow, but the warm sun was making progress to melt what remained. As I sat there rocking my sweet boy, I closed my eyes and hoped that the sun would do the same for me…. I hoped that it would melt away the mountain of fears that consumed my heart.
*swish swoosh swish swoosh* the chair swayed back and forth keeping time with the drips.
It was the middle of the afternoon, the baby was asleep, and I began to cry.
At my baby shower, I received closets full of clothes and endless piles of diapers. I had every cream, lotion and soap an infant might need. I had received books and blankets and bottles and binkies …. And lots of advice. There was certainly tons of free advice!
Mommy veterans – some who had become mothers 5 times over – made sure to tell me which diapers were the best, which bottles didn’t lead to gas, and which onesies were the easiest for middle of the night diaper changes. I tried to remember all of it as I registered.
But the one thing I needed the most was not found alongside the adorable hats or baby slippers on the shelves of Target. The one thing that would prepare me the most for mommy hood was a moment of honesty and a few simple truths spoken to my heart.
I wish that someone had held my little pregnant hand, looked me in the eyes and tenderly said…
Sweet girl, there will be days when you are terrified. There will be days when you have no idea what you are doing or who said it was a good idea for you to be responsible for this precious little life… But it’s going to be okay.
There will be days full of doubt. You will doubt yourself and you will doubt your decisions. You will seriously doubt that you will be completely confident ever again… but it is going to be okay.
The lack of sleep and stress and fussiness of that precious little baby in your belly (soon to be in your arms) will be more than you can handle some days. I promise, sweet girl, it will be okay.
You will worry that you are doing it all wrong. You will worry if the baby is eating or sleeping or breathing. You will check and recheck and triple check to make sure that the baby is eating and sleeping and breathing. They are. They are going to be okay.
It might take weeks or months or maybe even years for you to figure out this mommying thing… but it’s going to be okay. The baby is going to be okay. You are going to be okay.
You are going to do a great job. Not because you picked the right diapers or the best bottles… Not because you are going to breast feed or bottle feed… Not because you are going to wear your baby or put your baby in a swing… But because you are the best mommy for the job and that is exactly why God chose you!
These days will not last forever, sweet love. You won’t always feel overwhelmed.
You will look around one day as you make dinner with one arm and a baby in the other and think… I’m doing it!
You will take a shower and peek out over and over at the sleeping baby strapped into the swing pulled into the bathroom and think …. I can do this!
You will make your way to the crib and scoop up your baby in the middle of the night and the routine will be familiar and the results will be the same and you will lay that sweet baby back into their bed and realize… You are making it.
So while there will be days of worry and doubt, it’s going to be okay…
Because just as the sun melts away the snow, fear gives way to hope. The Son will warm and fill your heart. He will not leave you. He promises to shine light into the dark fearful places and bring assurance and peace. He will bring confidence. He will bring joy.
Because even though there will be days that you do not feel like it, you’re going to be okay, mom. You will not be doing it alone.
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