Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Morning Story and Dilbert

Vintage Dilbert
February 25, 2012

Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Now go, and have a nice time…

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36 comments
    • My dad looked over my date and if he had dirty, unpolished shoes, instructions were given the next morning to either tell the guy to polish his shoes, or refuse to date him. Daddy always though a young man should have a firm grip when shaking his hand.
      Although not original, I couldn’t tell these weren’t your words.

  1. I’m glad I had just eaten my dinner. Laughter is still bubbling up in me! Shared to my Facebook page!

    • Thanks for Sharing!!! This needs to be read by all days… It’s a good place to get some ideas… LOL

      Take Care and god Bless 🙂 Kenny T

  2. I don’t know which phrase to pick but this one is one of my favorites. “If you make her cry, I will make you cry.” Thanks for sharing these. They definitely put a smile on my face! 🙂

    • That is probably the best of the ten in my book too….

      Take Care and God Bless 🙂 Kenny T

  3. Having a daughter of dating age makes me smile at these rules.

    • I don’t have a daughter…. But, I do have a son who took a girl to the HS prom and went up against a father like this….. Needless to say he had his girl friend home early and was scared to dance with her thinking that somebody would report back that they were dancing to close!!!!!! LOL So far he is still living, but the memory remains….

      Take Care and God Bless 🙂 Kenny T

  4. Carole Boshart said:

    I do not think all of these rules are truly serious and accurate. However, the spirit and intent of the rules is explained very well.

    • I agree with you on your comment about being truly serious… How ever the ladies should be treated with respect!!!!

      Take Care and God Bless 🙂 Kenny T

  5. Petra said:

    Landed here via Andy Oldham and just had to tweet this. :-).

  6. Larri said:

    Always a funny read. I think it may have been Dave Barry that wrote this, but don’t quote me. 😉

  7. Larri said:

    Always a good read. I think it may have been Dave Barry who wrote this, but don’t quote me on that. 😉

  8. Thanks for the laugh! This is great! I will have to print this and keep it in a safe place until our one and only daughter is ready to go on her first date when she’s 40.

  9. gwennonr said:

    This was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I couldn’t stop laughing as I was reading it. I am hoping that I will soon have a chance to share this with my husband, as he will enjoy it, too. As the parents of three daughters, my husband and I often used to discuss how to handle their dating. He mentioned he might buy a large assortment of guns and knives, then be in the process of cleaning and reloading them while interviewing prospective dates. Although such drastic methods have not yet been necessary in our household, I am nevertheless very partial to Rule #6, and have put it into practice myself with the promise, “If you ever hurt my daughter, I will personally break both of your legs!” I heard a preacher say that in a sermon once (apparently, it was a promise actually made to him by his future mother-in-law), and it sounded so great that I just adopted it. I gave it for the first time to my first son-in-law, and have offered it recently to the young fellow who plans to marry my second daughter. Then at Christmas, I extended the offer to the fellow who was dating my niece. I do have to say, it gets people’s attention. I know that’s a bit over the top, yet, so many are willing to treat girls with much less care and respect than they do even the most simple, cheap machines and equipment. This article is a good wake-up call to the value of daughters and the duty of families to protect them well. Keep up the good work!

  10. Vintage Reflections said:

    As a new mother to twin girls, this makes me laugh and worry at the same time. Love this!

    • LRL – If that means “Laugh Real Loud” I love it!!!

      Take Care and God Bless 🙂 Kenny T

  11. Nicolette said:

    I love this! I could have used this when my daughter was dating and I was talking to the kids. Like #7 the best!
    Thanks so much!

  12. Pegleg Web Designs said:

    This post reminds me of when my dad would wait for my dates to show up with his t-shirt sleeves rolled up and holding a beer. This was all a method of intimidation for my date, but it certainly got the message across!

  13. Jeez louise, I haven’t laughed this hard for a long while. love #10. VW

  14. Lenora woods wallace said:

    I think our dad was like this……in a mellow way. Lol…..

  15. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez said:

    You are funnier than a triple amputee in a room full of mosquitoes! The truth is that the more threats a father issues only makes the prize more tantalizing for the boy – and the girl! 😀 Love it!

  16. Okaaay, I see this as a book! This was hilarious. When I got to #10 I was sorry. I wanted more.
    Your writing is stellar! I think that you should take each of these rules and make them each a chapter!!!! If I wasn’t following before I read this. I’d totally be now. This was epic!

  17. I think it came from comedian Dave Barry. He used to have a newspaper column in Florida

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