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Morning Story and Dilbert

Vintage Dilbert
August 19, 2000

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.”

“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ (Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.)

“She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

“My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.” (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

“And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!” (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

“Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.’ They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another “Middle Wife” comes along.

Author Unknown - Please comment if you know the author so credit can be given
Morning Story and Dilbert

Vintage Dilbert
March 25, 2014

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab…. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

 

Author Unknown - Please comment if you know the author
 so credit can be given
Morning Story and Dilbert

Vintage Dilbert
December 14, 2013

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot all about the other eleven days.

by Elise Lewis 1997
Morning Story and Dilbert

Vintage Dilbert
October 8, 2001

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd.  While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
“I was being the Ring Bear.”

One Sunday in a Midwest City ,
a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up
and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation,
“Pray for me! Pray for me!”
One particular four-year old prayed,
“And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.  Then something fell out of the Bible.  He picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.  “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.  “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam ‘s suit”.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.  After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.  Finally, his big sister had had enough.  “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”  “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door?  They’re Hushers.”

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.  Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife…

Morning Story and Dilbert

Vintage Dilbert
October 4, 1994

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Author Unknown - Please comment if you know the author
 so credit can be given
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